Blessings in Disguise

I feel quite guilty at the moment. I am stowed away in the my son's room typing this up. He is currently sleeping peacefully (praise God!). I am here because it is the only room cool enough at the moment to be in. I am not a huge fan of the heat and humidity, especially at night while trying to sleep. But Nathaniel is the lucky one and gets the coolest room to himself, except for my night time cool downs. It made me realize how much I have sacrificed for Nathaniel so far, and how much I will continue to sacrifice over his lifetime. It honestly does not feel like a sacrifice when you do it out of the unconditional love the swells up inside of me each time I see his chubby cheeks and bright blue eyes!

Today a good friend asked me the following question regarding motherhood: "Is it all you thought it would be?" I answered with a sort of wishy washy answer (which I am sure she picked up on), because I didnt know how to answer properly. Everyone tells you their experience of motherhood and it differs for each person, so I did not know what to expect when we brought him home. During my whole pregnancy I did not connect with Nathaniel. I am ashamed to admit it, but I honestly didn't really feel any different. I felt uncomfortable, full of heartburn and on bed rest of some person that I didnt even know. I was worried that I would love him more than I love Joel. I was worried he would tear my marriage apart when it just got started. Well all that changed when I looked into his face the first moment he came out. I immediately fell in love with him and continue to fall more in love with him each day.

However, my road to motherhood has not been the easiest. Being a mother has changed me profoundly. I secretly hoped for that child that was so calm and would sleep through the night at 6 weeks. I longed for the child to cuddle up with me when he got sad. Well in case you haven't guessed Nathaniel is none of those things. He is extremely independent. He only wants to be held when he deems it necessary. He has only cuddled with me a few times (I think he was drugged up from vaccines). And the sleeping through the night...HAH! On Nathaniel's 6 month birthday he graced us with the ability to sleep at least 9 hours before he woke up. It took weeks of sleep training and many months of sleepless nights. I felt saddened by the fact that I have this very needy, high maintenance child. This is so not what I expected from motherhood.

But somewhere along the way, the sadness sleepless nights and temper tantrums started to fade as my son's personality came out. He is the biggest charmer. His smile literally lights up a room. He has the highest shriek of a laugh and can giggle with the best of them. He is constantly testing his boundaries to see what he can do next. His mind is rolling too quickly for his own good. He has just learned to pull himself up on objects to stand and he will literally try to stand on just about anything from toilets, to saucepans, to chairs and his crib. He loves to climb and loves to eat paper. I realized recently that I would not trade any of that for a baby who sleeps through the night at 6 weeks and is super calm.

So, is motherhood all I thought, most definitely not. But I have to say, much like most of the expectations I have for things, this has far exceeded it. I absolutely 100% love being a mother. It truly is the best job in the world. Everything has slowly started to fall into place. Being a parent has strengthened the bond between Joel and I. It also gives us a purpose much beyond ourselves.

It took me about 7 months to realize that I also want a bigger family (part of me is hoping for a calmer baby next time!). This journey into motherhood has just begun....